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Heartbreak

I had the announcement picture ready – my girls with little chalk boards, one with “Big Sister” and the other “Middle Sister”. They were so cute. I couldn’t wait to share the exciting news with my whole little circle of friends.

Then we woke up Tuesday and went in for our dating ultrasound, I was 9 weeks pregnant – almost 1/4 of the way through! But something else happened. We saw a baby, and the ultrasound tech told us she didn’t think the baby looked close to 9 weeks at all. When I heard her words, I immediately knew. I knew I was 9 weeks and couldn’t be much less. She tried different angles, then a transvaginal ultrasound. “I’m sorry, I don’t see a heartbeat..” Our little bean was measuring two weeks behind. Seven weeks. At seven weeks our little baby stopped growing, his/her heart stopped beating.

I always wondered how I’d feel if I ever had a miscarriage. I never imagined it would hurt this much. Never. We are grieving. It’s a sadness that lasts all dayall night. I still see that little shadow of our baby on the ultrasound screen. I can’t get it out of my head.  I think some part of me was dreading going to sleep last night, so I kept the TV on. I just wanted to have thoughts other than this running through my head. I knew when I turned off the TV, my brain would start thinking. And it did. I hardly slept.

My brain knows and tries to comfort my heart with “We will have a third baby. We can!” But for some reason it just isn’t helping the pain NOW.  We can’t replace *this* baby with another baby. It’s a thought I never had before this happened… it’s the worst feeling.

Luke and I will be ok, we will get through this, of course. I am dreading the next couple of weeks… but I know we will be ok.  If you think of us, please pray. Prayers for comfort, peace, and for this to grow us even closer together.

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7 responses

  1. Oh Jess… I am so, so sorry. Please know that I’m thinking of and praying for you all. Peace will come, one day, but until then, feel the feelings and know that your baby was never cold, or hungry, or unloved. Your baby lived, and will always be remembered. Another may come one day, but there will never be a replacement. May this be the storm before your rainbow, my friend. ❤

    June 22, 2016 at 7:50 pm

  2. Morgan pittman

    Jessica, I’m so sorry. Praying for you and Luke. God and time heal the pain. Nothing will ever replace that baby but God willing y’all will have as many more healthy babies as your heart desires. We have been through 3 miscarriages where we saw a heartbeat to later see none and 3 positive pregnancy test and then miscarriage before the 8 wk mark. It never gets easier or less emotional but God carried us through it each time. Know you are not alone and stay focused on God and the 2 beautiful girls he’s already given you!

    June 22, 2016 at 7:51 pm

  3. Saying a prayer right now for you and your family and that little one who is solid in your heart forever, and in Heaven, waiting.

    June 22, 2016 at 8:18 pm

  4. VhadA

    Your baby did exist and still lives on in your heart. there are many ways your tiny peanut can still live on: plant an angel garden, dedicate an angel on the Christmas tree, an angel bracelet, etc. when you have your rainbow baby ( a baby that comes after a loss) it will only be so much sweeter. You are a momma of an angel baby now.

    June 22, 2016 at 8:22 pm

  5. Sam and Betty Cowey

    We are so sorry and you are in our prayers. May God ease your pain and suffering and you and Luke find solace in each other and the girls. Love you guys and see you soon.

    June 22, 2016 at 8:43 pm

  6. Joycelyn Allmon

    Jessica, I’m so so sorry. There are no words to ease the pain you’re feeling. I feel your pain. I had a full term stillbirth on my 24th birthday. The pain and memory will never disappear but does get better with time, prayer and God’s help. It’s very normal to feel what you are feeling. My prayers are with you and Luke. If at anytime you need to talk please message me on fb or email me. May God give you comfort and peace.

    June 22, 2016 at 10:33 pm

  7. LaTonya Bradley

    To Jess and Luke Im so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet angel. May God give you peace and guidance during this hard time. Yall are definitely in my prayers.

    June 22, 2016 at 11:55 pm

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