I had the announcement picture ready – my girls with little chalk boards, one with “Big Sister” and the other “Middle Sister”. They were so cute. I couldn’t wait to share the exciting news with my whole little circle of friends.
Then we woke up Tuesday and went in for our dating ultrasound, I was 9 weeks pregnant – almost 1/4 of the way through! But something else happened. We saw a baby, and the ultrasound tech told us she didn’t think the baby looked close to 9 weeks at all. When I heard her words, I immediately knew. I knew I was 9 weeks and couldn’t be much less. She tried different angles, then a transvaginal ultrasound. “I’m sorry, I don’t see a heartbeat..” Our little bean was measuring two weeks behind. Seven weeks. At seven weeks our little baby stopped growing, his/her heart stopped beating.
I always wondered how I’d feel if I ever had a miscarriage. I never imagined it would hurt this much. Never. We are grieving. It’s a sadness that lasts all day… all night. I still see that little shadow of our baby on the ultrasound screen. I can’t get it out of my head. I think some part of me was dreading going to sleep last night, so I kept the TV on. I just wanted to have thoughts other than this running through my head. I knew when I turned off the TV, my brain would start thinking. And it did. I hardly slept.
My brain knows and tries to comfort my heart with “We will have a third baby. We can!” But for some reason it just isn’t helping the pain NOW. We can’t replace *this* baby with another baby. It’s a thought I never had before this happened… it’s the worst feeling.
Luke and I will be ok, we will get through this, of course. I am dreading the next couple of weeks… but I know we will be ok. If you think of us, please pray. Prayers for comfort, peace, and for this to grow us even closer together.