Infertility vs. Miscarriage
It took 18 months to get pregnant with our first kid, Claire bear. She was prayed for for SO long, by many people. Infertility was a constant roller coaster. I always hoped I would remember those feelings after I got pregnant and birthed Claire. I never wanted to forget the pain, every month, up and down. I wanted to remember so that I could always be empathetic – actually identifying with the feelings of other women going through the same pain.
God taught me so much in that time – it was the closest I’ve grown to Him (though I do admit, at times, feeling some anger towards Him). I learned my timing was not a factor in life. God has a timing all His own. I could have learned that so many ways, but, this is how He chose to make that a clear point to me.
I got pregnant with Ava in 1/18th of the time it took with Claire – that is, one month. One. It threw me for a loop and I was upset, stupidly, thinking Claire was a baby and not ready to be a big sister. It turns out, God, AGAIN, was teaching me about His timing. “I could have allowed you go get pregnant with Claire the very first try years ago, but I didn’t.” are the words I know God was yelling at me. Same point, different way to go about teaching.
With our third kiddo, we were a little less uptight about timing, except the fact I didn’t want to have a “Christmas” baby. Totally for selfish reasons. The cycle I got pregnant with Baby Barchie #3, it seemed nearly impossible. The timing, the dates, everything was so late and just off. I was AMAZED. I thought “wow, God worked this out. There’s no reason for this to have happened.” And now, He’s again teaching me something different. Grief. Getting through an unfamiliar storm with my husband, both of us grieving. Grieving over the loss of our baby. This is so hard. We have both agreed it’s much harder than we thought.
Infertility was a roller coaster, slowly going up, waiting with anticipation for results – then shooting down, around, twisting, turning. This trial is like that ride at Astroworld – the Sky Screamer. After seeing those two lines on a piece of plastic, we started going up – for weeks we were just riding this high of being pregnant. We were excited, things were progressing. Then at some point, you get pushed off the edge, and go crashing back down to earth. It takes a few seconds for your world to drop out from under you. Wednesday morning was so hard, waking up knowing I wasn’t pregnant. Just 24 hours earlier, I was pregnant (or I thought). I was nauseous. I still felt little other “pregnancy” symptoms. It is so cruel.
I now am hoping that I won’t forget this pain. I want to be there for other ladies dealing with it. So many wise, older women have reached out to me and given me comfort with their words. Their validity. Thank you, it means so much.
Onto today. One day at a time.